Dealing with negative emotions

I have been experiencing a strange feeling lately, like if something wrong is about to happen. I am going about my daily routine, minding my own business, when I suddenly feel an ache in my chest, get depressed, and feel the desire to cry. 

I have ignored that feeling for a few days but it is just that with every day that goes away I become more unhappy and anxious, not knowing what terrible event is going to happen.

I thought that this is getting out of hand, and I need to talk to someone about it. Just as I was ready to tell my friend about it, she informed me that she was feeling the same way, and that she, too, gets depressed for no obvious reason.

Then I considered informing my mother, and the strange thing is that she was just as unhappy as I was. She seemed depressed as well, but when I inquired as to why, she replied that she believes something awful is about to happen as well. Now, I’m not sure why this sensation is shared by these women in my life, or if we’re all simply too anxious for this life, but I trust my intuition, and I feel like I have no power over what will happen.

Ways to cope and stop the chronic worrying

Identify your main worry – and then, write it down so you can see it. Most of the time, we just disregard our ‘minor’ concerns and go about our daily lives without giving them much thought. If it hurts you and takes up a lot of space in your thoughts, you should take care of it. Take a scratch, for example. Since you know it’s painful, you disinfect it and apply a bandage to avoid infection. If not treated immediately, life scratches can lead to severe infections too.

Wipe them away – If you’ve already been through the first phase and identified the bad feeling, and arrived at the conclusion that it’s nothing serious, just wipe them away. Think of these thoughts like clouds in the sky: just passing your mind like clouds pass across the sky, obscuring the sun.

Face reality and be brave – Hiding behind worries and allowing anxiety to invade your life is not the solution. If there is something you can do about it, do it. Perhaps it’s time to move closer to the things that make you uncomfortable and find out that they’re not as disagreeable as you imagined.

Relax – Instead of allowing your unreal anxieties to dictate your life, do something you love doing. Read a book, go for a walk in the park, draw, talk to a friend, or pray/ meditate.

Exercise – It has been proven that aerobic activity reduces stress hormones, provides you strength, and enables you to cope better with negative emotions.

Most importantly, if you’re like me and have others around you who are experiencing the same negative emotions and feelings as you, understand your feelings and then help them as well. This may appear to be an extra task, but once you’ve dealt with your difficulties, focusing on someone else’s may offer you a feeling of purpose and can chase the blues away.

And if the inevitable happens, as Charles Jones once said, things don’t go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.

(Image Source – Unsplash, Toni Reed)

Pandemic thoughts

I don’t know what stopped me from writing for such a long time. It’s like a calling that emerges when I feel like it, when I’m hungry to remember what I’ve always loved.

There are days when I want to tear my soul off and burst into writing, and there are days when I want to be silent and fall into loneliness and sorrow. These are the days when writing is less achievable and when I want to get distracted with my present and work for the future.

Unfortunately for me, these days were like this, and to be truthful, because of duty, I did it all. I have forgotten my liking’s and only sunk into work and chores, as if it were ordinary and always so.

One thing I found was that when working from home, time seems to pass very quickly. I typically wake up in the morning, do some house chores and work with brief breaks until 5-6 PM. Then I go on with my chores until late, and when I finish, it’s too late, and I have to rest because I have to get up early for another round of routine tomorrow.

I don’t even know what makes me happy anymore at this point. I feel stuck in a repetitive game that keeps playing the same scenes and actors over and over again. I’m aware that all this is triggered more than ever by the pandemic and the fact that we have to be at home.

Sometimes I want to go back to the old every day, to enjoy the winter temperature, to feel my skin shivering, to see my colleagues and to participate in senseless dialogues, to laugh and have a nice time together without the dumb thought of an unknown virus, without barriers or fears.

I get to glance through the apartment window every day, and to be honest, it doesn’t feel the same way. I feel like a lot of things are missing, and I feel lonely, even though people are around me. I’m tired of Korean dramas and TV shows, I’ve even started reading, but I don’t feel like I can be there entirely.

It’s an emotional roller coaster, that you, dear reader, may or may not understand. If you know me well, you know that I usually am a happy, optimistic person with high future aspirations who is always encouraging people to have faith and confidence in tomorrow. The funny thing is, I don’t know if I have the strength to feel the same way and hide behind a happy mask.

…………………………………………………………………….

This year can give a rough and depressing time for us all, and while it isn’t easy, we need to be positive and have the courage to move forward, even though it feels like an immense weight that causes us and our loved one’s agony and sorrow.

It’s also important to be grateful for what we have, for the people that love and support us, for a home, a good job, and even a meal. There are people out there that don’t have these gifts that seem basic to us.

At the end of the day, as Thomas Merton said, we do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What we need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment and to embrace them with courage, faith, and hope.

(Image Source – Unsplash)

Anxiety and fear

Hello, my dear writers and readers! It’s been a full week going on, and I haven’t posted so much because of my worries and stressful tasks. At times, I just wanted to get my things done so that I can relax or better said, sleep. It was a good plan altogether but it did not work as I have planned.

As you know from my previous posts, I have been excited about returning to the dentist and had my hopes up. That lasted just until I have arrived at the cabinet, of course. On that day it rained a lot, hence I had to walk because I missed the bus, took a tooth radiography, and went to the dentist.

Unfortunately, this lady had an examination team over to their cabinet, due to the Covid-19 Situation, and I had to wait for two hours in the rain and cold. In the morning when I left it was like 30 degrees Celsius, and then it turned out to 15.

When I arrived to see her, I don’t know if I was shaking because I was afraid of the procedure or because of the cold weather. She felt pity for me, and we eventually, had to reschedule the tooth surgery because I have also had an infection. Great!

Now a new treatment is required, and I haven’t even managed to finish the one for chronic gastritis and H. Pylori. This stress and anxiety made it worse for the stomach affection, and now it hurts again.

I’ve been alone mostly this week, and I just felt so stressed about work, knowing that the project will end in a few months, and I have had so many negative thoughts in my mind, that I almost can’t describe. I’ve even considering applying for other jobs to be assured in the future.

Plus, I have to work two weekends, and we should return to the office, things that I can’t do yet because of my tooth infection and the medical procedures. This, and because the office has the air conditioner too strong.

This week I felt the need to cry, to scream, to disappear. I feel so overwhelmed with everything, and I am very anxious. But this needs to end, and I have to get back on the right track. Even if it’s hard and painful, I have to be faithful and trust God, knowing that this too, shall pass.

(Image Source – Unsplash, Katherine Gu)

Blurry Thursday

It’s again Thursday. I just wish that time could be more gentle and make me feel every moment of this harsh life more tenderly. But life is not gentle, at least not in the very present.

Hours pass by, minutes and second seem like they don’t even exist, and days just disappear without even getting to realize what happens and when. All I get is the sad, bitter taste of the memory that once, something happened.

Why am I here, what did I do to deserve this sort of treatment? Why am I trying so hard but nothing seems to count or matter to anyone?….

How do you know when to feel the right feeling, how do you know what to speak with the „right” persons, what you need to not be judged so harshly?

Always trying too hard to do the right thing, to see the positive results and the smiles on the people’s faces. But the results are not even there because the process is not clear, the tasks are confusing and the smiles are not even true, hiding secrets behind.

So many questions hover in my mind and I just wish that I was not there at the moment, not to feel those stupid uncomfortable sensations that made my heart just drown in the deep.

As I am walking home, I can feel the wind whistling sad songs, crossing through my hair and embracing me with all its power. I find it hard to understand if he is trying to comfort me or to do even worse.

The low temperature in the air is making my short breaths struggle, pulling white clouds outside the mouth, for what seems like forever. Breath after breath, getting closer to home to the ones I love or used to love.

Everything is so confusing and I don’t even know what I feel or what I am anymore. My body seems to fail, the muscles hurt, the arms become numb and the soul just cries inside.

The way home is clear now and I am almost there. But I don’t feel like me, I don’t feel like talking or like even being present as my energy is drained. I wish I could go and hide in a corner, just me and my broken heart.

But tomorrow is Friday and maybe, just maybe I will find the answers and get along with my life, bearing my heavy cross until the very end. Hopefully, maturity will kick in and I will be better at hiding my true nature and becoming a fake version of myself, just like everybody else.

(Image Source – Unsplash)