Saturday funeral

If you attend funerals long enough, one after another you get to understand that they all have the same structures and details, more or less depending on the tradition and customs.

People from all the places coming and leaving to visit for the last time a person that once used to be someone great, someone, of value. They all cry and appear affected in the front of the harsh reality that stole another person from this earth.

But the person does not react in any way, as the soul is long gone, leaving the cold, rough body behind without any expression. You get to see the empty body, the clothes, the house and every single thing that he left behind.

Only the sky is turbid, as the soul is feeling sorry for leaving the place where he was born, where he was raised, where he learned to love and at the end, where he died. The wind is angry and the degrees decrease in the thermometer.

The road to the church is long enough to make you feel the cold weather as the cold embraces you all over. The quick stops, the priest’s prayers and his last bridges on this world are all a part of the last ritual.

At the end after long-awaited prayers, tears and the last goodbye, we arrive at the last place, delivering the person to the place we will all go, in a wooden coffin becoming one-off with the earth.

The irony is that no matter how much that person struggled in life he did not take anything material with him. All he had was the clothes on him and a wooden cross that will become in time nothing.

The sadness, sorrow, and tears are for the moment, and they don’t last forever. As people are meant to move on and take care of their souls, paying attention to the cross that they have to bear, being focused on their sins and their short future.

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For life is just a journey and we are only passengers. We remain with the good deeds done over this life, with the smiles we offered, with the kind words spoken. Make sure you will fill your bucket with the right „things” because, at the end of the journey, the material things disappear.

(Image Source – Pixabay)

Goodbye, pure soul!

I used to dream about you. I used to picture myself how would life look with your powerful presence in it. I wanted you so bad that I could not picture life without you. How could you just leave? Why did you left me alone?

I wished to meet you so bad that I even scheduled an appointment with the doctor sooner than expected. I was so delighted of the thought that I am going to see you for the first time, I cannot even describe in words the feeling.

But then, in the darkest moment of the earth, by an unknown cause your heart decided to stop beating, and you stopped growing. A few days ago I could feel you developing and starting to catch life and shape within me, and now you just have to go, without a reason or cause.

How come you did not wanted me to see you? Why did you decided to leave so soon?

We were so happy that you are going to arrive, that we even started making plans for our future together. We started imagining a better life, a responsible life with a new joyful member in it. But you decided to leave us… .

Looking back at the memories built related to your arrival, at the plans and at the happiness involved at that time I just wish we could stop that moment and live in it forever.

Now, the present is empty and sad without you. I see the clothes prepared for you, the small little toys, the changes that we made in our home and soul, but I don’t see or feel you anymore.

I just wish that for a moment the pain will stop and the tears will simply evaporate in the thin air. Everything that I can feel is sadness and nothing seems to be worth a value  without you anymore.

But I pray for you, dear and lovely soul and I wish that you could be happy in the heaven with other pure souls. And I also like you to know that I loved you more than life itself even if you decided to leave us.

Thought of the day 15#

It’s been a rough week for me. I can’t only think of one day in which I haven’t shed a tear, and it’s only Thursday.

My heart is so full and so scattered by unwanted feelings and thoughts and sadly, I have no one to tell that. Everyone is busy with their routine and I get the feeling that I am the only one who is messed up, blocked between lines and scenarios.

On Monday I found out that I lost my husband’s grandparent, a person whom I really cared for with all my heart. Also, Monday was the day I quit my job, and had to find a thing to catch on until I can find another job.

Tuesday, Wednesday were the same. Two days with a painful routine, in which I had to let go the feelings of the past job and fight with the changing character of people near me. Cold, sad and angry temper, that is what I got… for each day going by.

I wanted to talk to people, but they seem all so busy, so caught up and I felt that I am somewhere, lost among the way and can’t find the pieces to finally match this life puzzle. In the end I just gave up, and started to do some home jobs around the house.

Today I buried my dear grandparent and to be honest, I didn’t get the time to even feel sorry about myself. It was so cold outside that my inner soul was shaking and my body was senseless. All I could feel was tears and sorrow, for a beautiful soul that will never come back.

At the end of the day I feel alone and sad. Somehow I feel that a part of the storm passed away, but I still have to manage the other one, and fight with the tomorrow’s unknown.

I just hope that tomorrow will get better.

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(Image Source – Unsplash)

Jurnalul lui Chris

A tot plouat de o saptamana, atat de multa ploaie a facut fiecare zi sa para nelinistita si posomorata. Ea a sunat si a anuntat ca va veni. Era a treia oara cand a venit sa ma vada in saptamana aceea. I-am acceptat scuza – venise de la o distanta relativ lunga la ora 7 jumatate dimineata sa ne intalnim. Statea intr-un colt singura, carandu-si umbrela rosie dupa ea. Amicul ei a lasat-o intr-un loc ferit de ploaie. Ploua iar ea tremura. Parea slaba si fragila in ploaia dura, purtand cateva haine subtiri ce nu-i tineau de cald.

M-am dus inspre ea si i-am spus: „N-ar trebui sa vii sa ma vezi”si lucruri de genul cum ca n-ar trebui sa fim impreuna.

Ea a spus : „Mi-e dor de tine”.

I-am spus rece : „Haide sa mergem. Te voi duce acasa.”

Ea nu si-a deschis umbrela, stiam ca voia sa o deschid eu pe a mea. I-am spus:”Deschideti umbrela, sa mergem.”

Fara voia ei si-a deschis umbrela si a mers cu mine pana la masina. Ea a spus ca nu a luat micul dejun si nici cina si a intrebat daca putem sa oprim in vreun loc sa mancam.

Am raspuns cu inima impietrita :”Nu!”

Dezamagita m-a rugat sa o conduc la statia de tren, spunand ca va lua trenul pana acasa.

Poate ca era din cauza ploii, toate trenurile erau pline de oameni cu umbrele si valize care erau nerabdatori sa ajunga acasa nepasandu-le de cine trecea pe langa ei. Am asteptat si am asteptat iar ea ma privea atat de inocent… . Faptul ca am fost impreuna pentru asa mult timp, bineinteles ca o stiam si ii intelegeam privirea. Inteleg cum trebuie sa se fi simtit cand a venit de la asa mare distanta pe o vreme ca aceasta sa ma vada si faptul ca eu o tratam in felul acesta. Era dureros. Am privit-o in ochii ei mari, gandindu-ma la faptul ca nu ar trebui sa o las sa plece, simtindu-ma vinovat… m-am gandit ca as fi putut s-o invit sa stea la mine peste noapte.

Insa realitatea a lovit din nou si i-am spus rece :”Hai sa mergem la statia de tren.”

Locuiam in aceeasi cladire de apartament, la acelasi etaj. In urma cu ceva timp eram patru persoane si ne intelegem bine. Mancam cina impreuna, priveam filme impreuna si cateodata mergeam si in camping. Eram ca o familie insa nu stiu cum am sfarsit indragostindu-ma de ea. Poate ca s-a intamplat in timpul ultimului an de colegiu… iar faptul ca am trait impreuna pentru 2 ani a fost ceva. Ambii am dezvoltat in timp sentimente reciproce. Dupa ce a absolvit, a mers acasa si eu am mai ramas un an pentru a-mi termina studiile.

In timpul acelui an mergeam s-o vad doar in vacantele din timpul scolii insa nu pentru mult timp. Asa ne-am petrecut acel an.

Mergeam pe o parte a strazii. Ea era in fata mea si eu eram in spatele ei. Umbrelei ei i se rupse o spita. Arata ca un soldat ranit, carandu-si carabina ruginita dupa ea, mergand rar. De foarte multe ori intra adanc in ganduri si mergea aproape pe mijlocul strazii. Era cat pe ce sa fie lovita de masinile ce erau in trecere. Am vrut sa o iau in brate insa cu toata dragostea ce i-o purtam si durerea constanta din stomacul meu nu am putut face nimic. Pe drum am trecut pe langa parcul prin care mergeam de obicei impreuna.

M-a rugat si a spus: „Haide sa mergem in parc pentru o vreme, te rog. Promit ca voi merge acasa dupa aceasta.”

Inima mea impietrita s-a inmuiat la rugamintea ei insa totusi mi-am pus o fata de om nervos si am mers spre parc. Stateam pe banca aratand ca si cum as vrea sa plec. S-a apropiat de stejarul cel mai apropiat de ea si cauta ceva. Stiam ce cauta. Era ceea ce am scris impreuna pe acel stejar cu stilou anul trecut. Daca imi amintesc bine scria :

Chris si Susan beau ciocolata calda. Sa speram ca Susan si Chris isi vor aminti aceasta zi, iubindu-se mereu, pentru totdeauna.”

S-a tot uitat pentru o vreme, apoi s-a intors cu lacrimi in ochi. A spus :”Chris ,nu pot sa gasesc ce am scris, nu mai e nimic acolo.”

M-am simtit atat de rau la auzirea vestii, era ca un curent de durere ce zbura catre inima mea, durere ce n-am mai simtit inainte.

Dar tot ceea ce am putut face a fost sa ma prefac ca nu-mi pasa si sa spun:”Putem sa plecam acum?”

Mi-am deschis umbrela mea neagra mare in timp ce ea statea acolo, nedorindu-si sa plece inca sperand ca tot mai este o sansa.

Mi-a spus:”Tu ai inventat povestea despre tine si cealalta fata, nu? Stiu ca te deranjez din cand in cand insa nu putem sa incepem de la capat relatia?”

Nu am spus nici un cuvant, m-am uitat uitat in jos si am dat din cap. Dupa care, am continuat sa mergem pana la statia de tren, nespunandu-ne nici un cuvant.

Cu patru ani in urma doctorul mi-a spus ca am cancer dar s-a descoperit devreme, asadar era inca vindecabil. M-am gandit ca eram ok și am continuat sa-mi traiesc viata obisnuita din nou, uitand despre cancer. Nu m-am gandit la cancer si nici nu m-am mai intors la doctor. Pana acum o luna, cand stomacul meu ma durea de doua saptamani necontenit si cosmarul a luat amploare. Prima data am crezut ca durerea va disparea dar a devenit mai puternica pana am ajuns sa nu mai suport. M-am intors la doctor si mi-am facut o raza. Fotografia a aparut. Era  o pata mare neagra ce dovedea adevarul ce eu nu-l puteam accepta. Eram la cea mai frumoasa perioada a vietii, cand totul incepea sa se sfarseasca. Am vrut ca eu si cei din jurul meu sa nu treaca printr-o durere mare, asa ca m-am decis sa ma sinucid. Dar nu puteam sa-i las sa afle despre intentiile mele, in special pe Susan, persoana pe care o iubesc cel mai mult din lume, care inca nu stie adevarul. Susan era inca tanara, nu trebuia sa treaca prin asa ceva.

Asadar am inventat cateva povesti si am mintit-o. Era un lucru crud si i-am frant inima insa era cel mai rapid mod de a sterge 3 ani de sentimente. Nu aveam mult timp pentru ca in curand incepeam sa pierd par si ea avea sa afle in cele din urma. Dar acum sunt aproape de reusita. Aceasta drama se va sfarsi in curand. Inca 30 de minute si totul se va intampla, tot ce aveam in minte. Trenul a incetat sa mearga si am chemat un taxi pentru ea. Stateam acolo si asteptam pierdandu-ne ultimele momente in tacere. Am vazut taxiul de la distanta. Mi-am retinut lacrimile si i-am spus :”Ai grija de tine, ai multa grija de tine.”

Ea nu a raspuns, m-a privit adanc si apoi si-a deschis umbrela stricata in timp ce pasea inspre strada. In strada, am devenit doua forme de viata singuratice, una rosie si una neagra indepartate una de alta. Am deschis usa pentru ea iar ea s-a urcat apoi am inchis portalul ce ne va separa pentru totdeauna. Am stat langa masina, privind prin fereasta intunecata la prima si ultima dragoste din viata mea. Masina a iesit in strada. In sfarsit nu am mai putut sa-mi mentin tristetea si minciunile innodate in inima mai mult timp. Am facut din mana rapid si am fugit dupa taxi, pentru ca stiam ca va fi ultima data cand o voi vedea. Voiam ca ea sa stie ca o iubesc. Am vrut sa-i spun atat de mult asta. Oricum taxi-ul deja s-a intors catre un colt. Lacrimi calde au inceput sa-mi cada pe fata, amestecate cu picaturi reci de ploaie. Nu eram rece din cauza ploii. Eram rece inauntru.

Ea a plecat si nu am mai primit apeluri de la ea. Nici macar azi. Stiu ca nu mi-a vazut lacrimile pentru ca au fost spalate de ploaie. Am plecat fara regrete. Dar nu sunt Chris … sunt Susan, folosindu-mi memoria si acest jurnal pe care l-am gasit la un an dupa ce el a plecat scriind aceste ultime cuvinte.

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