I don’t know what stopped me from writing for such a long time. It’s like a calling that emerges when I feel like it, when I’m hungry to remember what I’ve always loved.
There are days when I want to tear my soul off and burst into writing, and there are days when I want to be silent and fall into loneliness and sorrow. These are the days when writing is less achievable and when I want to get distracted with my present and work for the future.
Unfortunately for me, these days were like this, and to be truthful, because of duty, I did it all. I have forgotten my liking’s and only sunk into work and chores, as if it were ordinary and always so.
One thing I found was that when working from home, time seems to pass very quickly. I typically wake up in the morning, do some house chores and work with brief breaks until 5-6 PM. Then I go on with my chores until late, and when I finish, it’s too late, and I have to rest because I have to get up early for another round of routine tomorrow.
I don’t even know what makes me happy anymore at this point. I feel stuck in a repetitive game that keeps playing the same scenes and actors over and over again. I’m aware that all this is triggered more than ever by the pandemic and the fact that we have to be at home.
Sometimes I want to go back to the old every day, to enjoy the winter temperature, to feel my skin shivering, to see my colleagues and to participate in senseless dialogues, to laugh and have a nice time together without the dumb thought of an unknown virus, without barriers or fears.
I get to glance through the apartment window every day, and to be honest, it doesn’t feel the same way. I feel like a lot of things are missing, and I feel lonely, even though people are around me. I’m tired of Korean dramas and TV shows, I’ve even started reading, but I don’t feel like I can be there entirely.
It’s an emotional roller coaster, that you, dear reader, may or may not understand. If you know me well, you know that I usually am a happy, optimistic person with high future aspirations who is always encouraging people to have faith and confidence in tomorrow. The funny thing is, I don’t know if I have the strength to feel the same way and hide behind a happy mask.
This year can give a rough and depressing time for us all, and while it isn’t easy, we need to be positive and have the courage to move forward, even though it feels like an immense weight that causes us and our loved one’s agony and sorrow.
It’s also important to be grateful for what we have, for the people that love and support us, for a home, a good job, and even a meal. There are people out there that don’t have these gifts that seem basic to us.
At the end of the day, as Thomas Merton said, we do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What we need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment and to embrace them with courage, faith, and hope.
(Image Source – Unsplash)