Song of the day #78

Unhappy, bitter 24

Yesterday it was my birthday, Yeah I managed to arrive at the age of 24. You might probably guess from the previous posts that it is not a happy birthday, not even in a half.

It was such a special day and somehow did not really enjoyed it fully. There was always in my life a birthday that was not so great but none like this one.

I am still on my way of healing the wounds that the past brought not so long ago. I feel like every day is a new challenge in trying to forget what happened and simply move on. All I do is try to submerge with the daily routine and get busy, so busy that I can forget about myself, sorrow and sadness.

I am lucky though to have good colleagues, family members and great persons around that somehow make me feel good for the moment. It’s always smiles and laughter with them, but deep down the soul is still crying.

I often try to go from work to home by walking, listening to slow music and try to get some alone time before having to again, pretend that nothing happened. The numb pain and cramps still remember me of the storm that I had to overcome.

I went away from partying and having to enjoy myself because I don’t think that I am fully healed and neither my body is. I just want to continue life in my fast rhythm, and slowly but sure move on.

I am not exactly sure what mistake I did in this life to have to go through this sad experience. I just hope that God sees my soul and understands my choices, giving me the opportunity to be forgiven for whatever mistake I did in the past. And also that the baby will be protected by his grace, in heaven.

I received some comments recently related to the fact that I only post in English, and do not provide at least a translation for Romanian native language. To be honest, I don’t like to write about my sorrow in my own language.

I am only writing in here to cleanse my soul, and the persons who will visit my site, will  understand. I am writing for myself first, and then for the persons who like me struggle in this life full of ups and downs.

Now at 24 I have only a small request for God. I don’t want presents, gifts or anything material… . I just wish that until next year, at 25 I could be happy, living a different life and be forgiven for whatever caused to happen this sad reality.

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(Image Source – Unsplash)

Letter to you, sweet baby

You’re gone now. All that I can feel is the numb pain clenching in my belly, remembering me that once you were there.

I have to say that I miss you. Even if at the beginning I was groggy and angry about all the new symptoms and not expected feelings that you were causing.  In time, day by day I learned to love you, to care and protect you, but unfortunately not good enough.

Looking back at the echo pictures I just wish I could wipe that horrible day from the calendar. Its been two weeks since the first visit at the doctor, the day when I understood that you were physically in there but not alive.

I wished to see you healthy, to hear your beautiful heart beat tumbling from the devices, to feel your first movements, to be your mother. But it was not meant to be.

Spending time in the full care of the doctors, seeing similar cases like mine, and being encouraged in every moment by the persons around me made me feel a little bit better.

The mood improved in presence of the persons who had to make feel different, but deep inside me the pain was still persistent.

I got to hear the tiny, little hearts of the small babies who were still in their mothers womb in the hospital. Bum, bum, bum beating strong, one beat after another. I just closed my eyes and wished for a second that heartbeat was yours.

I saw young mothers who were about to give birth to their beautiful children, scared of what tomorrow might bring but joyous for the present.

Most of all, the pain of letting you go was the strongest, little baby. There was a point where I thought that the mental pain was the painful thing that I would ever feel, but that was not true.

The physical pain was even greater. I remember yelling out to the doctor, begging him to stop that excruciating pain, crying out for help but a mean claw dragged you out of me and my life.

At the end of the procedure, the dry tears and hot blood along with the pain, were the only things that I could relate to. I heard the doctors leaving the room, felt the nurse making me a shot but all that I could see were white stars on the white ceiling. At that moment I just wanted to die.

My heart ached seeing and feeling all of these realities, and wished deeply and truly that those could not be a part of my life. But God saw another future for my life, God did not wanted you to happen.

I spent days overthinking about what did I do wrong, what caused you to move out of my life but could not find an answer. And neither the doctors.

I know that now you are in a better place, watching down upon us. My tears and the pain from my soul might upset you, but do understand that we were preparing to welcome you in our life, not to throw you away.

Now, I don’t know what tomorrow is going to bring, little baby. But if in the future, you decide to come again, I will be more prepared than ever and I will love you with all my heart.

With love, your mom.

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Thought of the day 15#

It’s been a rough week for me. I can’t only think of one day in which I haven’t shed a tear, and it’s only Thursday.

My heart is so full and so scattered by unwanted feelings and thoughts and sadly, I have no one to tell that. Everyone is busy with their routine and I get the feeling that I am the only one who is messed up, blocked between lines and scenarios.

On Monday I found out that I lost my husband’s grandparent, a person whom I really cared for with all my heart. Also, Monday was the day I quit my job, and had to find a thing to catch on until I can find another job.

Tuesday, Wednesday were the same. Two days with a painful routine, in which I had to let go the feelings of the past job and fight with the changing character of people near me. Cold, sad and angry temper, that is what I got… for each day going by.

I wanted to talk to people, but they seem all so busy, so caught up and I felt that I am somewhere, lost among the way and can’t find the pieces to finally match this life puzzle. In the end I just gave up, and started to do some home jobs around the house.

Today I buried my dear grandparent and to be honest, I didn’t get the time to even feel sorry about myself. It was so cold outside that my inner soul was shaking and my body was senseless. All I could feel was tears and sorrow, for a beautiful soul that will never come back.

At the end of the day I feel alone and sad. Somehow I feel that a part of the storm passed away, but I still have to manage the other one, and fight with the tomorrow’s unknown.

I just hope that tomorrow will get better.

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(Image Source – Unsplash)