Foggy season

The loud alarm wakes me up groggy from the previous night’s dreams, and I’m struggling to unplug the tangled headphones so that I can turn them off. I wake up to see the gloomy morning sky and the crows doing their peculiar dance while making strange noises. It’s 7:13 AM.

Every day is alike, with the same cat meowing for food in the morning, the same arabica coffee that has to be prepared, the same bed that needs to be put together, and the same dishes that need to be washed.

I’ve grown sick of yearning for new things and expecting miracles to arrive. I guess I’ve simply been delusory, believing that if I give it my all, all my energy, and all my true self, everything will fall into place just as effortlessly as I make it look.

It’s irritating because no matter how much I give, I get so little in return. For the time I offer, I get loneliness; for my true friendship, I get false people who gossip behind my back; and for my work, I get a monthly wage that goes toward expenses.

I’ve even lost the urge to go home and unwind since I’m constantly there and there’s always something to do. It’s simply another apartment with thin walls and loud neighbors, where I feel like going insane every day, getting angry and laughing, smiling, and then sobbing.

It’s not that bad

The issue is, I can’t even complain since it’s OK. It’s fine that I have a decent job, a family who cares for me, a pet, friends, and that’s it amid this epidemic. However, if everything is fine, why am I unhappy? Why can’t I find my place and feel as if everything around me is superficial, neatly packaged in a box with a gleaming ribbon on top?

I’m not sure whether I’m blind or if not conscious of what I have around me, but sometimes I feel trapped, going around in circles, trying to figure out what’s going on. I’ve worked on myself and ventured to clear the fog by surrounding myself with the right things and people.

The irony is that I now have no notion of what is right or wrong, and I’m living my life with my eyes closed, wishing to trust fate in the new route ahead of me. The problem is that I’m blindfolded and keep going in circles, stumbling on unforeseen circumstances and bumping into cold strangers.

I used to read somewhere that when you lose your way into the fog you end up in beautiful places. Though I worry about what awaits me in the next chapter of my life, I know I need to get lost so that I may eventually find my way and purpose.

Thought of the day 7#

        La zumzetul alarmei mi-am acoperit capul in cearsaf… nu imi doream sa mai aud acel sunet incomod atat de devreme. La o secunda distanta urma aprinderea becului din camera, ce este atat de colorat, atat de luminos si atat de deranjant.

Ochii cauta intuneric, cauta odihna si strang aievea din globul ocular, varsand o lacrima subtire. Asternutul este atat de moale si comod, atat de primitor… de ce trebuie sa ma ridic? Vreau sa mai dorm!

Trupul imi transmite sa mai stau prin centrii nervosi ce determina miscarea membrelor inferioare si superioare. Pielea cauta textura fina si moale a materialului fetei de perna, mainile vor sa ma traga inapoi, toata fiinta vrea sa procrastinez.

Dar creierul imi transmite ganduri sigure si poruncitoare, este necesar sa ma ridic!

Cu ochii incetosati, ma ridic parca in slow motion din pat. Timpanul imi canta un tinitus asurzitor si trupul ma doare.

Cu pasi marunti ma intind si trag perdeaua de la fereastra. Deschizand geamul observ ca afara este inca intuneric.

In ciuda faptului ca termometrul arata afara 5°C, stoluri mari si negre de ciori inconjoara rasfirate intinderea cereasca, survoland zona locuintei precum niste soldati cu datorii de razboi.

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(Unsplash source)

Se zaresc vag, iar toata privelistea matinala este impanzita de ceata, atat de deasa si groasa ca o poti taia cu cutitul.

Parca in surdina, aud glasuri ascutite de copii, clinchete de ras si pasi repezi. Scoala incepe mult prea devreme pentru micii omuleti, este abia ora 6.

In departare se zaresc patratele mici colorate cand mai reci, cand mai calde, semn ca si vecinii s-au trezit.

Dupa cateva momente petrecute in dreptul ferestrei, ma cuprind fiori abuzivi si reci ce se incolatacesc imprejurul meu si vor sa ma sugrume.

Inchid fereastra inmarmurita de racoarea brusca si ma indrept spre bucatarie, pentru a-mi procura doza zilnica de cofeina, pentru a ma trezi din ceata si somn.

Dar ziua abia incepe si toamna se simte rece atat afara cat si inauntru, in suflet.

English version

        At the buzzing of the alarm I covered my head in the bed … I did not want to hear that inconvenient sound so early. After a second, the light bulb in the room was lit, so colorful, so bright and so disturbing.

The eyes seek darkness, seek rest and snap out of the eyeball, shedding a thin tear. The bedding is so soft and comfortable, so welcoming … why should I get up? I want to sleep!

The body sends me to stay in the nervous centers that cause the movement of the lower and upper limbs. The skin looks for the smooth and soft texture of the pillowcase material, the hands want to pull me back, the whole being wants to procrastinate.

But the brain sends me safe and commanding thoughts, it is necessary to get up!

With blurred eyes, I seem to be slowly moving from bed. The ear plays a deafening tinnitus and my body hurts.

With small steps I stretch and pull the curtain from the window. Opening the glass I notice that outside is still dark.

Despite the fact that the thermometer looks out of 5 ° C, large black crows surround the sky, spreading across the area like soldiers in a war.

I stare vaguely, and all of the morning’s view is dilapidated by the fog, so thick that you can cut it with the knife.

Like in deafness, I hear sharp children’s shouts, shrills, and quick footsteps. School starts too early for little kids, it’s only 6 o’clock am.

In the distance, small colored squares appear when cold, when warmer, sign as neighbors wake up.

After a few moments in front of the window, there are abusive and cold fires that surround me and they seem to strangle me.

I close the window, soaked by the sudden cooling, and headed for the kitchen to get my daily dose of caffeine to wake me up from fog and sleep.

But the day is just beginning and the autumn feels cold both inside and outside, in the soul.

david-mao-7091-unsplash

(Unsplash source)