Unexpected sadness

You know that moment when you are going on with your life normally? When even if quarantined, you are trying to keep yourself positive and attempting to keep happy and motivated, having good thoughts? And then the world simply falls on your back?

That’s how I feel now.

There are some people in our family circle, that we don’t regularly speak with, some people that chose to stay hidden and live in their small little universe. Those people that deep down you love, and they know it but saying it out loud will not make any difference, for you or them.

But anyway, you are happy knowing that they are fine and feel comforted at the thought that nothing bad is going to happen to them. Until the unexpected happens.

Memories are all the we have

They were the best two friends I could ask for, Costel and Elena. Sons of my mother’s brother, Costica, they were the two special members of my childhood. We did almost everything together, from playing in the yard to pick the apples in the autumn. We even did mud pies together.

Unfortunately, my uncle was alone as his wife left him for another man and the two kids that resulted from their short love remained with him. So, he struggled, as he could to raise the two children, Costel and Elena on his own.

Life was not easy with my uncle as he struggled as he could to work and to bring money on the table. We lived in the same courtyard, but in different houses and always tried our best to help them as we could.

There were good times when my uncle managed to find a nice job and he was happy and brought joy to the kids. But then, there were also the worst moments when he lost the job and he was mean and most of the time scattered the anger on his kids.

And they, Costel and Elena could not do anything. They just sat in a corner of the room with tears in their eyes waiting for their father to calm down and for better times to come. When he was too angry he used to raise the voice at them and even beat them out.

My cousins had a tragic childhood that fortunately for me, I can’t relate to, as my parents were kind and understanding with me. Until 8 years old I grew up with them and shared joy and sorrow together, by comforting one another when bad moments arrived.

And then, after the age of 8 my father decided to move out in our own home. It was a new journey for us, but unfortunately a storm for the cousins. In time, my parents used to invite them to our new home but they could only arrive for a short time, as the uncle found out and banned them from coming to us.

In the beginning, it was hard to imagine a childhood without them, being my best buddies and basically, the two familiar figures that I grew up with. I missed them a lot after that and tried to find new friends.

I could indeed, identify new friends in the meantime but they were not like them. Their kindness and sincerity were hard to find, and real friends don’t just appear out of the blue.

In time though, things changed a lot, I did for sure. And time flew away so fast that I could not even think. Costel and Elena finished school, unfortunately only the first mandatory classes because nobody was able to support them fully.

Elena got married and now she is happy at her home with 3 kids. Costel, unfortunately in his case the situation is different. He ended up performing the heavy works that his body could not sustain and because of the depression and sorrow from his father became an alcoholic.

The sad reality

Last year, on the same day, my uncle died. Today, his son Costel, died as well.
I have just received the bad news from my family. But it’s hard to process it and to think about it, because he was young, only 24. His friends found him dead in the house without any traces or evidence. Then the cops arrived and an investigation is currently conducted.

We don’t know yet if its the Virus or if it’s the other health issues that Costel managed to somehow get during his short lifetime. But I feel sad that I cannot be with him on his last journey as only 8 persons are allowed to go to the funeral, the situation being very strict with the lockdown and everything.

I am still trying to process the information and cannot believe that this happened. He was a good guy and always helped out persons in need, always being there when asked to.

I hope that God will take care of him in heaven and that he will be more at peace than here, on earth, where he had to struggle with his life. Rest in peace, dear soul! 😥

(Image Source – Unsplash,
Gabriel)

The Remembrance of the good done those we have loved is the only consolation when we have lost them.” – Demoustier

Quarantine. Day N.

I don’t even know what day it is, nor do I remember the notion of time, if time could be measured in this quarantine. Moments only matter when I work, but I recently dared to ask for a few days off. I felt the need to disconnect.

I missed the blog for two and a half weeks now. Don’t ask me for an excuse, because I don’t know how to answer you. I also wondered why I distanced myself from the blog and myself, from my thoughts. I found answers but none seemed plausible enough.

I became comfortable with work from home and I got bored of repeating the same things over and over again, one after the other in a monotonous rhythm. Somewhere, in all this time, I lost hope and the desire to live a busy life, wanting to be connected from the world around me.

Blamed the many hours that I spend in front of the screen, and it seemed pathetic because I have been doing this for too long. Then the justification that I immersed in cleaning and cooking because Easter arrived but then passed again is not a good reason either.

Because nothing is good enough now. Nothing is normal. Nothing makes sense.

Easter 2020 in quarantine

I spent this Easter at home, in isolation, away from family and loved ones differently than I used to. But hey, we heard each other on the phone and we could feel the trembling in the voice, the frustration in the tone and the despair in the volume of the speech. If that makes any difference.

I went out the window and listened to the resurrection service through the speakers, saw the helpless glances of other neighbors from the side window, and then sank in silence.

I have watched the news in the media as the world makes a scandal because the rules should be respected according to the political ordinances. As evidence, police officers were attacked with stones and assaulted by people. Ignorance, indifference and lack of common sense appear to rule nowadays.

Then I rested, ate and watched TV series, like everyone else. Yesterday I decided to be strong and start exercising for two hours. Today I caught a cold again, symptoms of a cold (I hope it’s not Corona).

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Today, I decided, with the few remaining powers to start writing again on the blog. I do not have much energy from this cold that has returned to haunt me and I will ask you to be gentle.

How are you feeling? All is well?

(Image Source, Unsplash, Dawid Zawiła)

Dogs in our life

I managed to speak with a person about happy souls that were at a moment present in our lives, about pets and their presence in our souls.

Being separated from people, having to work remotely from home on this period with Corona Virus just brings old feelings back to life, memories about moments in life that already passed, but left a mark.

Memories and feelings

We are so blessed by God with such surprising animals since the beginning of life. In my case, for example, I had many amazing souls that I can remember.

In my childhood, in the early years of life, at the age of 2, a crazy shepherd dog was just adopted in our family. He was not brought in our life as a pet, but more as a guardian, his purpose is to protect the house.

I, like a curious child at that time, wanted to play with the dog and tried to hug and to throw things, while playing at him. The dog, in his mind, took my attempt to play as a threat and tried to bite me.

He did not manage to bite me though, as my family arrived in time and took me away from the dog. In time, this beautiful white and black colored dog proved to be more than a guardian to the home and protected it with his last powers.

I do remember, as I have grown up playing with him, petting him and giving him food. It’s like I can see his kind look and playful manner always trying to greet and protect his loved ones. He is a dog that I will not forget in this life.

I also remember wanting to have small dogs, trying to adopt them in the family. But whenever I tried to get out of the house or go grocery shopping or school, they always got involved in some trouble and ended either dead in a car accident or being taken by somebody else.

A new hope

When we had to move to the other house, my dad managed to get us a new dog, Shogun. A white and orange big dog used to guard the ships at the sheepfold. I remember his strong presence since I got to know him.

Shogun was so strong and beautiful, had a powerful voice and everybody was afraid of his barking and was just mesmerized by his attitude. I remember one time when I arrived from school and he was let loose as the belt was broken and he just jumped around me, wanting to play and have fun.

At that time I was so scared and wanted to hide somewhere, thinking that maybe he wants to bite me, but it was not the case. The neighbors were afraid of him and did not want to enter the yard, colleagues were amazed and we were just happy and thought that we were lucky to have him.

I was 8 when he arrived at the new house and 18 when we had to let him go. Unfortunately, due to old age and sickness, Shogun died in the garden. It is hard to describe the pain and the empty spot that he left behind, we knew that he was our best dog, the most beautiful gift that God could offer.

(Image Source – Unsplash)

Old hopes bring new souls

When I had to leave at the college my parents adopted another dog, a white and black breed between a wolf and a rottweiler. I did not have enough time to get familiarized and get to know this dog so well, as I was most of the time away for college and always working.

My parents decided to give this new dog the same name as the old one had, Shogun. He had a strong attitude as well and was more powerful and different from the other. Even if his presence was intimidating, in time he got to love the family and became a part of it, protecting it and giving his best to be the best guardian of the house.

I remember him when going home in his last years, always jumping around, cheerful to meet us, wanting to play and at times it was like you can see him smile. He was happy with the family and knew that this was his place to be. But, unfortunately, he died a few days ago.

My mother called me in tears and announced to me that Shogun has died, again. For us, the dog is a guardian and a symbol of protection, a friend and more than that, a part of the family.

(Image Source – Unsplash)

Last thoughts

The guardians of the new home are now buried in the garden, both in the same place. Now, an apricot tree has raised in the place where these beautiful souls have died, and whenever we go home we visit the garden and take a moment to remember and to honor these souls.

Now, our home is empty and does not have the mesmerizing presence of the missing guardians, as now they rest in the garden and guard us from above.

I thank God for sending these beautiful souls and for their unlimited gifts that they offered. They filled the exact empty spot that it was missing and completed the family, at its best.

I want to also say thank you to God for the pets that we have at the moment in our lives, for the many curious cats that now reside at the country in the new house and for Fifi. And I am sure that shortly a new guardian will bless the family at home and will fill it again with joy and barks.

(Image Source – Unsplash)

Saturday funeral

If you attend funerals long enough, one after another you get to understand that they all have the same structures and details, more or less depending on the tradition and customs.

People from all the places coming and leaving to visit for the last time a person that once used to be someone great, someone, of value. They all cry and appear affected in the front of the harsh reality that stole another person from this earth.

But the person does not react in any way, as the soul is long gone, leaving the cold, rough body behind without any expression. You get to see the empty body, the clothes, the house and every single thing that he left behind.

Only the sky is turbid, as the soul is feeling sorry for leaving the place where he was born, where he was raised, where he learned to love and at the end, where he died. The wind is angry and the degrees decrease in the thermometer.

The road to the church is long enough to make you feel the cold weather as the cold embraces you all over. The quick stops, the priest’s prayers and his last bridges on this world are all a part of the last ritual.

At the end after long-awaited prayers, tears and the last goodbye, we arrive at the last place, delivering the person to the place we will all go, in a wooden coffin becoming one-off with the earth.

The irony is that no matter how much that person struggled in life he did not take anything material with him. All he had was the clothes on him and a wooden cross that will become in time nothing.

The sadness, sorrow, and tears are for the moment, and they don’t last forever. As people are meant to move on and take care of their souls, paying attention to the cross that they have to bear, being focused on their sins and their short future.

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For life is just a journey and we are only passengers. We remain with the good deeds done over this life, with the smiles we offered, with the kind words spoken. Make sure you will fill your bucket with the right „things” because, at the end of the journey, the material things disappear.

(Image Source – Pixabay)

First post of 2020

Good morning, dear readers! Or rather, a happy new year, now that we have spent the first hours of the new year. 2020 has arrived quickly in my case, without too much fuss or preparation.

After a few days of visits to parents, relatives and acquaintances, events and cooking and cleaning sessions at home I can honestly declare that I feel tired. Especially since I started work on Monday, which adds to the fatigue and stress.

I managed to fall asleep a few minutes before the new year, at 10:40 PM overwhelmed by too many tasks and a terrible cold. However, my loved ones woke me up exactly a few minutes before the new year.

If in 2019 I had many questions and I was lost in thoughts and situations, 2020 is different, more secure. I started the new year with thoughts of peace. I have a beautiful family, ready to help at every moment, people who love me and a decent job.

I just wish that the year 2020 will be half as good as it was the previous year. Although 2019 has been tougher and more difficult, I can admit that I managed to develop and learn things that I didn’t even dream of.

Conclusions

The year 2020 is ahead of us and we are waiting to write another new chapter in our lives, and the best way to do this is by setting goals.

Time is limited and it does not make sense to waste it with insignificant details from other people’s lives. It is not necessary to pay so much attention to the malicious comments of those around us, lowering our courage and advantage. It is important to find the power to follow our heart and intuition by accomplishing what we aim for.

And if the year 2019 has been a difficult year, let us think that each end has a different beginning, in a continuous cycle. We still have 365 days to face our fears and overcome our disabilities, becoming a better version of us.

Changes are a part of this life, sometimes we have pain, sometimes beautiful things. Often life surprises us and we have both at the same time.

Change can bring fear, but the most frightening thing can be to let fear stop us from growing, evolving and progressing.

And if we make mistakes along the way, that’s fine. Because through mistakes we learn new things, trying new possibilities, working hard and practically changing ourselves and the world that we live in. We do new things, and more importantly we do something that matters.

New experiences and developments will await us in 2020. Let’s enjoy the blessings of the past and accept the promise of the future.

Happy New Year!

(Image Source – Unsplash)

Furie, partea I/Fury, part One

Sunt momente in viata noastra cand pur si simplu ne enervam, reactionand negativ la lucruri neplacute ce apar neasteptat in viata noastra.

Nu stiu alte persoane cum sunt, insa eu, de foarte multe ori tind sa rabufnesc in fata unor situatii iritante. Ma exprim printr-un comportament rece si ostil, fara sa ascult ceea ce mi se relateaza cu lux de amanunte, fara sa analizez ceea ce se intampla cu adevarat.

De foarte multe ori, acest lucru mi se intampla cu familia, cu cei dragi. Sunt constienta ca ar trebui sa ascult mai mult, sa incerc sa inteleg si sa caut o solutie impreuna cu ei, dar uneori acest lucru mi se pare imposibil de realizat.

Familia este liantul suprem al vietii si relatia cu aceste persoane este extrem de importanta. In ciuda insemnatatii acestui nucleu, uneori atitudinea si alegerile persoanelor ce fac parte din ea, ne fac de multe ori sa punem sub semnul intrebarii sentimentele noastre pentru ei.

Adesea incapatinarea, egoismul si indignarea ne pun la incercare in situatii dificile capacitatea de perceptie si afectiunea noastra pentru persoanele iubite.

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Voi cum reactionati in asemenea situatii? Cum va exprimati furia si cum reusiti sa canalizati energiile negative in afara sferei de familie?

English version

There are moments in our lives when we simply annoy, reacting negatively to the unpleasant things that appear unexpectedly in our lives.

I do not know other people as they are, but I, many times, tend to rage against irritating situations. I express myself through a cold and hostile behavior without listening to what I am referring to with great detail without looking at what really happens.

This is often the case with my family, my dear ones. I am aware that I should listen to more, try to understand and seek a solution with them, but sometimes this seems impossible to achieve.

Family is the ultimate bond of life and the relationship with these people is extremely important. Despite the importance of this core, sometimes the attitude and the choices of the people who make it, often make us question our feelings for them.

Often stubbornnes, selfishness and indignation put us in difficult situations to test our ability to perceive and our affection for loved ones.

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How do you react in such situations? How do you express your anger and how do you channel negative energies out of the family sphere?

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(Image Source – Unsplash)

Thought of the day 6#

Do you know those days? When you smile and joke with those around you, but inside is something of an endless sadness?

Sometimes I can not explain it. I feel my saturated and disappointed heart, I want something today, but I do not know why I have the feeling that it does not belong to me; or at least it’s mine though it should not be.

I long after smiles, emotions and affection, but I do not understand why … that someone should be my unlimited and infinite, there are moments, events spent together and years of coexistence.

I give everything I have, I give my heart on this person’s tray and I want it next to me 24 out of 24. For me time has not gone, it has flourished, added moments and emotions, feelings and memories.

Only if that person next to me would think the same … I see him every day, staring at a certain „fairy”, like looking for another one. Initially, I did not notice it, drawing attention to other things, looking for a thread of hope and trust, believing in what once united us.

Irrelevant, uninteresting. He is attentive elsewhere, distracted. And me? I’m lost somewhere in the middle, I just require little attention and a little affection, just a little involvement.

I’m not like him, I’m not looking for other princes, I’ve already found the king. It’s just he’s embarrassed, impregnated in strangers, black or blonde ones, one seemingly more captivating than another.

Today I chose to leave the guard down, not to get involved. I’ve come to think of what it would be if …. I saw independence, with 2 jobs, more attentive to one’s own person and personal development.

I do not know why, but when they adopt this „position” they draw people to me. Curious, intriguing and conquering people try to hurt me with their personality, try to be close to me.

And me? I’m no longer fascinated by this kind of thing. My heart is fragile and mature, she received her love of the outside, now she wants family and involvement. My heart wants him, her king …. Let’s hope, however, that it will come back from this whirlwind of youth and realize what’s next to it until it’s too late.