Am vazut articole in desfasuratorul meu de pe blog, articole triste, articole depresive. Nu imi dau seama daca de vina este frigul de afara sau doar inima lor le este tulburata. Cunosc persoane care posteaza in fiecare zi articole despre depresie, despre cum se chinuie sa ajunga ziua de maine pentru ca pur si simplu nu pot vedea o rezolvare la problema lor.
Nu voi da nume acum, nu ma intereseaza sa nominalizez pe cineva, deoarece situatia imi este familiara. De foarte multe ori viata ne pune in situatii din care pentru a iesi, trebuie sa luptam, trebuie sa ne schimbam. Sa iesim din zona de confort si sa cucerim lumea.
Povestea vietii mele in cateva randuri…
Imi aduc aminte ca, dupa ce am finalizat liceul am vrut sa imi iau viata in propriile maini, am vrut sa fiu responsabila. Le-am spus parintilor ca vreau sa lucrez cu orice pret, indiferent de conditii si salariu, ca vreau sa fiu utila.
Asadar, primul meu job, la 18 ani a fost, pe hartie, muncitor sortator. In realitate, faceam mult mai multe. Ma trezeam dimineata la 5, pentru ca la 6 sa fiu in fabrica de lemn. Slefuiam, chituiam, asezam lemne, sortam, lucram cu utilaje mecanizate, ambalam, ridicam… aproape orice activitate ce se desfasura in acea fabrica ma cuprindea si pe mine.
Ajungeam seara la orele 5-6, de foarte multe ori si 9-10 in momentele cand ajungea tirul cu marfa, deoarece trebuia sa ajut. De luni pana sambata, de la 6 la 5 munceam din greu. Slabisem in 3 luni 20 de kg. Daca in trecut, plangeam cand ma zgaria ceva, acum era o obisnuinta. Aveam degetele pline de aschii si eram lovita.
Acasa, am inceput sa renovam, si incepusem sa ma implic si acolo. Dadeam cu var si atunci a fost prima data cand am inceput sa pictez pe pereti. Dar nu ma intelegeti gresit, nu eram nefericita, ci din contra. Ma incanta ideea ca muncesc pentru banutii mei, si eram sigura ca ma vor ajuta in ascensiunea mea la facultate. Luam 600 de lei pe luna si am insistat sa imi primesc banii la sfarsitul celor 3 luni. Astfel, fiecare aschie, fiecare efort pe care il faceam la serviciu si acasa ma ajuta. Credeam si simteam asta.
In acel moment al vietii, am ajuns sa cunosc o persoana diferita. Initial, nu mi-am dorit acest lucru dar totul s-a intamplat pe parcurs. De dimineata pana seara eram la lucru, iar noaptea pictam si vorbeam la telefon. Dormeam 3 ore pe noapte si eram istovita.
La un moment dat, am finalizat munca si ma pregateam pentru facultate. Acel el pe care l-am cunoscut, era de varsta mea si la fel ca si mine, se pregatea sa mearga la facultate, dar in alt oras. Mi-am dorit sa merg impreuna cu el la acea facultate insa parintii mei s-au opus.
Insa el, a fost un idiot. Dupa dezaprobarea parintilor mei de a merge impreuna la aceeasi facultate s-a schimbat total fata de mine. A inceput sa imi vorbeasca urat si sa ma jigneasca. A inceput sa vorbeasca urat fata de parintii mei, si atunci am stiut ca s-a terminat.
Prima luna la facultate a fost dezastru. Nu cunosteam pe nimeni iar materia predata nu semana cu absolut nimic din ce invatasem in liceu. Inca mai sufeream dupa acea etapa tumultuoasa din viata mea si abia ma puteam concentra. In acel moment locuiam in micul oras cu o matusa de-a mea pe care nu o cunoscusem niciodata. O persoana rece, de care nu ma puteam atasa, si careia nu-i puteam dezvalui durerile sufletului meu.
Singurele persoane care ma intelegeau si imi erau alaturi erau parintii mei. Insa ei nu ascultau ceea ce aveam eu de spus, doar imi concluzionau faptele, punandu-ma in fata cu realitatea dura si aspra. Astfel, fiecare zi era o noua zi pentru varsat lacrimi si jeluit. In special seara, cand ramaneam singura. Plangeam si ma rugam. Ma rugam si plangeam.
Dupa o vizita acasa, la parintii mei care si ei erau ingrijorati in privinta mea, plangand cot la cot cu mine, mi-a fost pusa o intrebare simpla de catre tatal meu: „Catalina, tu ce iti doresti? Daca vrei, lasa-te de facultate si vino si lucreaza din nou, la fabrica.”
In acel moment, mi s-a oprit tot filmul trecutului care se derula la nesfarsit in capul meu si am realizat adevarul. Chiar imi doream acel lucru? Sa muncesc intr-o fabrica pentru tot restul vietii mele? Raspunsul a venit inainte sa-l pot gandi. NU, NORMAL CA NU.
Atunci mi-am impachetat lucrurile si am plecat in graba catre oras. Am luat decizia de a-mi schimba „chiriasa” si de a ma concentra cu totul pe studii. Nu putea fi atat de greu, daca am ajuns pana la facultate atunci sigur puteam face fata.
Inainte sa-mi dau seama, ma mutasem impreuna cu o vecina si alte 4 fete la o doamna foarte draguta, cu cel mai cald si primitor suflet. Apartamentul era plin de galagie, de vorba si veselie. Treptat, am reusit sa ma perfectionez si la studii, in scurt timp deslusind tainele incurcate ale chimiei.
Pana in vara eram o alta persoana, eram sigura pe mine si puternica. Imi recapatasem increderea in mine si eram gata sa infrunt necunoscutul, cu orice pret. In scurt timp, totul a inceput sa capete sens, am desfasurat activitati de voluntariat, m-am implicat in diverse evenimente, invatam si munceam din nou. Inainte sa imi dau seama, eram inconjurata de oameni si eram mai mult decat fericita, eram implinita.
Anii au trecut usor, usor. Am mai avut parte de provocari, de stari depresive, de tristeti insa nici una nu m-a doborat. Cu ajutorul lui Dumnezeu am absolvit facultatea, m-am casatorit si acum sunt in cautarea locului „perfect” de munca.
Am fost certata, am fost jignita si am trecut prin tot felul de scenarii negative insa am invatat un singur lucru. Nu exista o cale usoara, pentru a ne imbunatati abilitatile si capacitatile trebuie sa trecem prin toate furtunile. Important este sa luam lucrurile exact asa cum sunt, culegand doar partile bune. La urma urmei, fiecare sut in fund reprezinta un pas inainte.
Viata nu este o calatorie usoara, niciodata nu a fost si niciodata nu va fi. Nu putem elimina cu totul obstacolele din calea noastra, si cu siguranta nu le vom depasi prin depresie si anxietate.
In momentele dificile ale vietii trebuie sa avem rabdare, incredere in noi si sa ne indreptam cu pasi marunti dar siguri catre viitor. Trebuie sa ne amintim ca suntem puternici si ca putem face asta. Se spune ca suferintele pregatesc oameni obisnuiti pentru un destin extraordinar, trebuie doar sa deschidem ochii si sa acceptam realitatea.
English version
I’ve seen articles in my blogger feed, sad articles, depressing articles. I can not tell if to blame is the outside cold or just their heart is disturbed. I know people posting articles every day about depression, how they struggle to get to tomorrow because they just can not see a solution to their problem.
I will not give any names now, I do not care to nominate someone because their situation is familiar to me. Very often life puts us in situations where to get out, we have to fight, we have to change. Let’s get out of the comfort zone and conquer the world.
I remember that after finishing high school I wanted to take my life in my own hands, I wanted to be responsible. I told my parents that I want to work at all costs, regardless of conditions and salary, that I want to be useful.So my first job at age 18 was a sorting worker, on the paper.
In fact, I did a lot more. I woke up at 5 o’clock in the morning to be in the wood factory at 6 o’clock. I polished, I was laying varnish, sorting, I was working with mechanized machines, I packed, I picked up heavy wood packs… almost any activity that took place in that factory included me. I was arriving home at 17-18 hours, very often, and 21-22 at the times when we had to load the cargo trailer, because I had to help.
From Monday to Saturday, from 6 am to 17 pm, I worked hard. I had lost 20 kg in 3 months. If in the past I was crying when I was scratched by something, it was now a habit. I had my fingers full of matchwood and I was hit. At home, we started to renovate, and I started to get involved there. It was the first time I started painting on the walls. But do not misunderstand me, I was not unhappy, but on the contrary.
I was delighted with the idea of working for my money, and I was sure they would help me in my ascension to university. I took 600 lei a month and insisted on receiving my money at the end of the 3 months. So every matchwood, every effort I made at work and at home helped me. I thought and felt that.At that moment of life, I came to know a different person, I fell in love. Initially, I did not want this, but everything happened along the way.
From morning till night I was at work, and at night I was painting and talking on the phone. I slept for 3 hours a night and I was exhausted. At one point I finished my work and I was preparing for college. The one I met was my age and, just like me, was preparing to go to college, but in another city. I wanted to go with him to that faculty but my parents opposed.I loved him as the sun loves the sky and moon the stars. I wanted to spend every moment of my life with him, to be together.
But he was an idiot. After my parents’ disapproval of going together to the same faculty has changed completely to me. He began to talk to me badly and to offend me. She started to talk badly to my parents, and then I knew it was over.The first month at college was a disaster. I did not know anybody, and the taught matter did not resemble anything I had learned in high school. I still suffered after that tumultuous phase of my life and I could hardly concentrate.
At that moment I was living in the little town with my own aunt I had never met. A cold person, whom I could not attach to, and whom I could not reveal to my soul. The only people who understood and were next to me, were my parents. But they did not listen to what I had to say, they only concluded my deeds, putting me in front of the hard and harsh reality. So every day was a new day for tears and sadness. Especially in the evenings when I was alone. I was crying and praying. I was praying and crying.
After a home visit, to my parents who were also worried about me, crying side by side with me, I was asked a simple question by my father: „Catalina, what do you want? If you want, you can quit college and come and work again at the factory. „At that moment, all the movie of the past, which unfolded endlessly in my head stopped, and I realized the truth. Did I really wanted that thing? To work in a factory for the rest of my life? The answer came before I could think it. NO, NORMALLY NOT.
Then I packed my stuff and left for the city. I made the decision to change my „tenant” and focus entirely on studies. It could not have been that hard, if I got to college then I could definitely deal with it. Before I realized, I had moved with a neighbor and four other girls to a very nice lady with the warmest and most welcoming soul. The apartment was full of laughter, talk and joy. Gradually I succeeded in perfecting my studies, shortly revealing the tainted mysteries of chemistry.
By the summer, I was another person, I was sure of myself and a strong one. I had regained confidence in myself and was ready to face the unknown at all costs. Soon after, everything started to make sense, I volunteered, I got involved in various events, I learned and worked again.
Before I realized, I was surrounded by people and I was more than happy, I was fulfilled. Years passed easily. I’ve had challenges, I have been depressed, I have been sad, but none of them has broken me down. With God’s help, I graduated from college, got married, and now I’m looking for the „perfect” work place.
I was argued, I was offended and I went through all sorts of negative scenarios but I learned one thing. There is no easy way, to improve our abilities and capabilities we must go through all the storms. It is important to take things just as they are, picking up only good parts. After all, every kick in the bottom is a step forward.
Life is not an easy journey, it has never been and will never be. We can not completely eliminate the obstacles in our path, and we certainly will not overcome them by depression and anxiety.
In the difficult moments of life, we must have patience, trust in us, and move forward with small but secure steps towards the future. We have to remember that we are strong and that we can do that. It is said that the sufferings prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny, we only need to open our eyes and accept the reality.
(Photo Source – Personal library)
