Fiori de toamna rece amestecati cu ganduri diverse

Vineri, 27 septembrie. Ziua in care toamna este persistenta in suflet si afara. Se poate simti clar scaderea treptata a temperaturii, sezonul verii oferindu-i loc toamnei zgribulite.

Am inceput saptamana luni, insa nu am vreo notiune exacta care poate dovedi trecerea timpului, cel putin, eu nu am simtit-o. Zi de zi, ora de ora, fiind prinsa in aceeasi activitate ce pare sa continue la nesfarsit.

Fiecare zi are aceleasi nuante, aceleasi intamplari vagi, aceleasi ore scurse din clepsidra. Cu ochii in monitor, atenta la clienti si nevoile lor deosebite, explicand intr-o alta limba notiuni abstracte si precise relationate de zona IT.

Se spune ca timpul trece repede cand ceea ce faci iti aduce placere, dar poate face asta la infinit? Hm, poate doar m-am plictisit, desfasurand in aceeasi zi aceeasi activitate monotona, vorbind aceleasi cuvinte fara sens ca un robot programat.

Acasa locul e rece. Parca si-a mai pierdut din farmec de la ultima intamplare nefavorabila familiei, parca a incetat sa straluceasca. Vise gri si neinteligibile isi fac loc prin subconstient, trezindu-mi simturile dar fara vreun rost anume lasandu-ma rece si confuza.

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(Sursa Imaginii – Unsplash)

Dorinte inefabile si idei diverse

Mi-as dori sa pot inchide ochii si sa evadez din aceasta realitate cruda, care scurge practic viata din mine, picatura cu picatura. Mi-as dori sa imi recapat bucuria de dinainte, sa vad scanteia de fericire din fiecare zambet.

As vrea sa ma bucur din nou de „perdeaua” de siguranta si bucurie afisata pe chipurile cunoscutilor. As vrea sa ma intorc in copilarie, unde nu stiam de prefacatorie si lasitate, aroganta si lipsa de bun simt, unde totul parea perfect, intr-o lume plina de imperfectiuni.

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Dorinte, dorinte si iar dorinte, care bineinteles ca nu se vor implini niciodata. Lumea este falsa, poarta masti si e ascunsa. Pe de o parte doreste sa intre in sufletul tau, aflandu-ti secretele adunate de o viata, iar pe de alta se intoarce cu spatele si rade de suferinta ta.

Se spune ca cel mai bine este sa nu te arati lumii, sa fii indiferent si apatic. Atribute precum: naivitatea, copilaria, nehotararirea nu au ce cauta in dictionarul nostru. Dar cum poti ascunde ceva ce face parte din tine? Nu poti masca un suflet bun.

Lumea nu se va opri niciodata din analizat si comentat inutil situatii si persoane necunoscute fara cunostinta de cauza. La sfarsitul zilei este important sa constientizezi ceea ce se afla inlauntrul tau, calitatile si ceea ce te-a facut sa devii omul care esti astazi.

Un citat spune ca: „La lucratorul rau toamna inima plange” consider ca lucratorii rai sunt reprezentati de lumea falsa iar inima si toamna sunt de fapt sufletele calcate in proces. Iar precum frunzele descompuse in timpul migrarii dinspre toamna catre iarna, la fel va fi si lumea la un anumit moment in viata, distrusa de propriile fapte.

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(Sursa Imaginii – Unsplash)

Goodbye, pure soul!

I used to dream about you. I used to picture myself how would life look with your powerful presence in it. I wanted you so bad that I could not picture life without you. How could you just leave? Why did you left me alone?

I wished to meet you so bad that I even scheduled an appointment with the doctor sooner than expected. I was so delighted of the thought that I am going to see you for the first time, I cannot even describe in words the feeling.

But then, in the darkest moment of the earth, by an unknown cause your heart decided to stop beating, and you stopped growing. A few days ago I could feel you developing and starting to catch life and shape within me, and now you just have to go, without a reason or cause.

How come you did not wanted me to see you? Why did you decided to leave so soon?

We were so happy that you are going to arrive, that we even started making plans for our future together. We started imagining a better life, a responsible life with a new joyful member in it. But you decided to leave us… .

Looking back at the memories built related to your arrival, at the plans and at the happiness involved at that time I just wish we could stop that moment and live in it forever.

Now, the present is empty and sad without you. I see the clothes prepared for you, the small little toys, the changes that we made in our home and soul, but I don’t see or feel you anymore.

I just wish that for a moment the pain will stop and the tears will simply evaporate in the thin air. Everything that I can feel is sadness and nothing seems to be worth a value  without you anymore.

But I pray for you, dear and lovely soul and I wish that you could be happy in the heaven with other pure souls. And I also like you to know that I loved you more than life itself even if you decided to leave us.