Too kind

Today, I listened to my father speak about past events and how he felt about them. Going on and on about all the good he did for those individuals (problematic family members) and the time, energy, and resources he poured into them; the more he spoke about all those circumstances, the more he remembered. It was a never-ending loop that kept repeating itself, and I saw a pattern.

My father pitied those people, thinking they were impoverished and incapable of making a living and expressed how he was constantly forced to fend for them, like a brave hero in a movie. I later realized that this game requires two participants, and the truth was that he and my mother were painting the picture for those unfortunate relatives.

The problem was that they did too much, immersing mentally and physically to the point of exhaustion. Those relatives soon realized that they could rely on my parents and began to take them for granted, distancing themselves from their actual lives and living as adolescents rather than adults. When a negative event was to occur, my parents were the escape goat, while they sat comfortably in their place, receiving assistance.

“These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.” – Najwa Zebian

My family has had this savior complex, always being too nice, listening to everyone, being heart and soul in every case, and sometimes offering everything without receiving anything in return. The incident mentioned above is only one example of how their goodness was taken for granted. The bottom line is that they will never be able to awaken until they realize and respect themselves as the individuals that they are. People will continue to walk all over them and „educate” them until they see their value.

Thinking you know better isn’t a solution; it’s when you don’t. Furthermore, pitying individuals and claiming they are in a specific way will not benefit you or the other person. You attract what you think and say, so why not think and talk positively?

„Reminiscence is less an endowment than a disease…” – Thomas Hardy

Another behavior I’ve noticed in myself and others is revisiting the negative experiences from our past. The problem is that by remembering unfavorable memories and feeling negative emotions that once wounded us, we are producing mental health issues (depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder) and future unpleasant situations.

Not only are we stuck, but we are also unable to focus on the present or the future. Negative thinking creates a bad habit that is difficult to break; studies show that the more we relive our negative experiences, the more difficult it is to change our thinking and mental health.

Acknowledge what’s happening, understand why that thought is returning and what you can learn from it, establish a commitment plan, and resolve the concerns that keep you up at night; if it is too much to handle, you can always visit a psychologist and receive help. Give yourself time to relax, meditate, and find ways to distract yourself when negative thoughts arise (call your best friend, exercise, do what makes you happy).

Final thoughts

Recognizing the good in people, being kind, and offering assistance are all necessary; nevertheless, healthy barriers should be in place. Prioritizing your needs, fighting for yourself and your rights, and being the person you need is not selfish. We are all here to serve a purpose, and in order to do so, we must first love ourselves enough to say „NO” and let go when the time comes.

As the example shows, I come from a family that is way too giving, kind, and permissive. Over time, I grew into a woman who loved too much, struggled to learn to stand up for herself, and frequently found herself in negative situations that could have been avoided effortlessly.

A big part of me wishes this hadn’t happened, but without these experiences and memories, I wouldn’t be the person I am today, I wouldn’t have met these beautiful people I’m grateful to have in my life, and I wouldn’t be writing this article. I’m still discovering and growing, learning to be more optimistic with each passing day. Negative thoughts come and go, and I try to filter them as much as possible in order to attract pleasant events and great people into my life.

The journey to loving yourself is not simple, but it is also rewarding. It may come with rude awakenings, salty tears, and the removal of toxic people from your life. It helps you understand how significant you are, how much you matter, how much of a difference you make every day simply by being present and how powerful your inner light is.

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