Foggy season

The loud alarm wakes me up groggy from the previous night’s dreams, and I’m struggling to unplug the tangled headphones so that I can turn them off. I wake up to see the gloomy morning sky and the crows doing their peculiar dance while making strange noises. It’s 7:13 AM.

Every day is alike, with the same cat meowing for food in the morning, the same arabica coffee that has to be prepared, the same bed that needs to be put together, and the same dishes that need to be washed.

I’ve grown sick of yearning for new things and expecting miracles to arrive. I guess I’ve simply been delusory, believing that if I give it my all, all my energy, and all my true self, everything will fall into place just as effortlessly as I make it look.

It’s irritating because no matter how much I give, I get so little in return. For the time I offer, I get loneliness; for my true friendship, I get false people who gossip behind my back; and for my work, I get a monthly wage that goes toward expenses.

I’ve even lost the urge to go home and unwind since I’m constantly there and there’s always something to do. It’s simply another apartment with thin walls and loud neighbors, where I feel like going insane every day, getting angry and laughing, smiling, and then sobbing.

It’s not that bad

The issue is, I can’t even complain since it’s OK. It’s fine that I have a decent job, a family who cares for me, a pet, friends, and that’s it amid this epidemic. However, if everything is fine, why am I unhappy? Why can’t I find my place and feel as if everything around me is superficial, neatly packaged in a box with a gleaming ribbon on top?

I’m not sure whether I’m blind or if not conscious of what I have around me, but sometimes I feel trapped, going around in circles, trying to figure out what’s going on. I’ve worked on myself and ventured to clear the fog by surrounding myself with the right things and people.

The irony is that I now have no notion of what is right or wrong, and I’m living my life with my eyes closed, wishing to trust fate in the new route ahead of me. The problem is that I’m blindfolded and keep going in circles, stumbling on unforeseen circumstances and bumping into cold strangers.

I used to read somewhere that when you lose your way into the fog you end up in beautiful places. Though I worry about what awaits me in the next chapter of my life, I know I need to get lost so that I may eventually find my way and purpose.

Procrastinating

The act of procrastination is defined by the dictionary as the tendency to procrastinate until the power struggle solves it out.

For a long time, I’ve wanted to go back to writing. I kept pushing this impulse and telling myself that it was OK and that I will return to writing shortly. Tomorrow became next weekend, next weekend became the following week, and so on.

Throughout this time, I began writing and deleting, writing and deleting, without ever uploading anything. I’ve been having these dark thoughts and kept telling myself, „What if they don’t like what I say? What if I’m being unfairly criticized for my actions?”

I continued postponing and running away from what I wanted, looking for excuses and telling myself that I needed to accomplish this first, then that. I basically lied to myself and became lost in a pile of excuses running in circles. At the end of the day, it all came back to writing, and I couldn’t get away from it.

I’m not sure how writing helps you, but for me, it always provides a solution to my difficulties and reminds me of my life’s purpose. So, when I take a lengthy vacation from writing and just immerse myself in the daily routine of problems and various duties, I gradually lose interest in what I do and feel that something is missing.

Do whatever you want to do now. There are only so many tomorrows.

Procrastination is a bad habit in our lives. We have a tendency to be fearful and avoid what lies ahead by creating excuses. We have no idea that life has other plans than we had envisioned, and that while we are busy making plans and prioritizing action after action, we are unwillingly being pushed to our next level.

We’re basically piling on more responsibilities, sometimes more than we can do, and most of them are unnecessary. We can’t even accomplish the things we planned to do first because we keep thinking about the one we put off. It’s like two voices singing out of tune, neither sounding good. Instead of fretting about diverse tasks that aren’t working well, start with the one you want to procrastinate on. The one that doesn’t disturb you but leaves you with the lingering longing of „What if?”

It’s okay if it’s taking longer than expected. Success is not obtained overnight. It comes in installments; you get a little bit today, a little bit tomorrow until the whole package is given out. The day you procrastinate, you lose that day’s success.

Remember that someday is not a week of the day, and no matter how hard you try to avoid what is destined to happen, it will still happen one day. It’s time to surrender control and, rather than putting off things, embrace them for what they are and how they make you feel.