Resistance

The dictionary describes resistance as the ability to not be affected by something, particularly negatively. But how can you cope with things when they’ve changed by 100 degrees and the only way out is so far away?

I was so easily deceived, having hope and doing my best, giving my all, and hoping to persevere. I went over my past work today and relived the early emotions, the excitement to begin anew. I was so eager to learn more that I put up with the unpleasant moments of not being understood or listened to.

A complete emotional roller coaster that dragged me from the highest peaks and most wonderful dreams to the darkest nightmare while everything around me is crumbling. I feel like I’ve lost everything. Since my plans were canceled, I have exhausted all motivation and desire to accomplish things. I can’t seem to enjoy any activity or be pleased with anything.

I’m honestly tired of it. I’m tired of having to please others while I’m not satisfied on the inside. I’m tired of apologizing for mistakes made by the system, not by me. Tired of dealing with misinformation and a general lack of cooperation between parties. I’m tired of having to change shifts and disrupt my sleep routine and life in general. Tired of dealing with difficult people and only receiving negative feedback.

Why do I have to be the first to recognize other people’s efforts and constantly remember people’s birthdays and undertake duties in place of others? Why do I have to apologize all the time? How can I be wrong when everyone else is unjust and too arrogant for this world, too entitled to accept their errors, and too proud to apologize?

I don’t have the same positive energy to wish that everything would be OK and that I will be happy again. I understand that there are times in life when we must confront difficulties, but this feels like a dagger that continues prodding an open wound. At the end of the day, I suppose if I bleed too much, I will be strong enough in spirit to resist this new blurry future ahead.